Thursday, July 29, 2010

The Proud Humiliated

Apart from blogging,I have a journal-organizer which I use to write into when I really have over flowing emotions that I can't easily ventilate to anyone nor do I have a near net access to publish a blog post immediately.
It's this thick, heavy, sweet thing right here. -----------------------------------------→

I had this entry in this black&pink book that I'd like to be published to readers, as sad as it may appear at the beginning parts though.
Here it goes:

June 21-27, 2010                    = "The Alone Week"  (é_è)
     -Almost whole week→ =(
     -always heavy atmosphere at home.
     -ALONE... :(
          ~at home
          ~alone... é_è
     -have been crying of sadness&heartache, heartbreak.. :(

June 28, 2010
>finale = perfect. ALONE DAY OR NIGHT RATHER

(and I had lots of rants supposedly inserted here but I'd rather not include it.
It just circulated about my pride and pitying myself
for being alone and no one to talk to; and then suddenly,
this thought in my mind pops: GOD IS WITH ME. 
And then a shift of ideas began in my writing.)

Now I began writing these:

►Sigh... REPENTANCE... I need to repent...

- I need you, LORD!
       Thank you that my LIFE is like this now. (Hard to say this but true!)
       Thank you 'cause I'm alone,
                without anyone to cling to,
                without a job,
                without money,
                with a horrible attitude,
                pure nothing!
               You alone are the one i can cling to! You are indeed SOVERIGN...
               and because of that, praise you...
-My heart is so broken now. I'm so down.. but, there's this small light that I have been ignoring&have not sought on my way going down below. AND THAT'S YOU.. AND this, this is the perfect timing.
-I need self reflection &retreat.
-I need to be alone, stand alone&depend on nothing but you..
-in my boastful&most arrogant time, you have put me down.. so down.. way down.. that I may put my face down & just be shameful & run to you.. Run to you in shame.. shame.. disgrace.. in humiliation.. much humiliation..
-I want to get mad because I can't defend my spiritual myself & my spiritual family & I can;t defend you. But you know my heart.. And plus, I don't want to defend myself angrily, otherwise, my defense will not be from you but from my flesh & of the enemy.
-I shall come back to you.. your word, your gospel, your grace, your arms, your mercy, your love, your kindness.
-My mission is my mission.. Let your yes be a yes & your No be a No.
-I hate myself for not having a good testimony of Christ in this BIOLOGICAL FAMILY & I want to attract them to you? IMPOSSIBLE!
-Admit your wrong.. Just ADMIT it, to the one you wronged & to the Almighty God most specially.
-One sin will ever continue to grow if not dealt with properly.
-I know that You even plead to call me back but I'm not listening! And this is your discipline. And this is painful but it's my fault. Dear God Forgive me..

>Acknowledge God in all your ways..
   → Would you respond that way if Jesus was beside you?
   → Would you even repent immediately in your mind & unto God if your in the verge of your emotions?
               → But what if Jesus is beside you & He knows what you're thinking & what's inside your heart?

> Would Jill-ann be the same Jill-ann as she had been this past few months if she was acknowledging Jesus beside her at all times?
>i cannot be lacks when I'm not feeling any pain/anguish. It is just not right. If I'm at war & it's night time & calm, would I totally separate myself from my weapons? No! I should still be on guard against the enemy. Because I can't read the mind of the enemy. I don't know what it's thinking. I don't know its plans.. What if it attacks at the middle of the night? When I'm already comfortable, ready to sleep & it's calm and quiet and just, still? I can't let the enemy win without a fight!
12:41AM - June 29, 2010

(this is what the Lord still allowed me to realize and write,
despite my anger and the pride in my heart when I started..
our part then is to LISTEN..)
now all of these I wrote talking to myself, everything is directed to myself, but I think the Lord can use this to speak to us all.

ROMANS 8:31-33:
31What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? 33Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies.